Philippians 4:12-13 I know how to be abased and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned to both be full and hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

These verses contain so much conviction for me. Do I know how to be abased and abound? Am I just as content and joyful in His will when I have to get up early to make breakfast as when I’m allowed to sleep in? I let so many little things move me. Ministry wasn’t abounding for so long during field time. I began to feel stagnant and stale. I let the time of not much ministry, become a time of not much heart ministry. I began to shut out Jesus and refusing the open arms, the grace and love readily made available

I’ve been running on fumes. But they’re not fumes of the Holy Spirit running out, but of my own strength burning out and being completely depleted of any sense of being able to do this thing without God.  I really can’t do anything through my own strength, I need God to get through my day. I need to receive a fresh filling everyday. I’m done  not seeking God in this. I’m tired of trying to do it myself and it was foolishness to think I ever could do it myself.  God, I need you.

Its such a beautiful thing to picture. How I can be in literally any state, the worst of circumstances, and a life I can only dream of. I can be in either situation and still have consistent and uncircumstantial joy. That my contentment and home isn’t of this world or in it. That it’s above. That my gaze can be fixed to my Lord most High and it is then and only then that I will find the growth, peace, comfort and joy that I’ve been so desperately seeking.